In This Life or the Next
by Pappis
Summary: After living a good life Dean Winchester dies and goes to Heaven just to find other person occupying his spot.
1. Prologue - Chapter 1

**In this life or the next**

_"That's not uncommon", Castiel said and turned to face Dean. "Some people never meet their soul mate when they are still alive. _

_Most meet their own when they die and go to the same heaven."_

**Prologue**

Dean had lived a good life. He got to see how his brother get marry the most wonderful girl Sam could ever have. He got to see how their kids, Mary and John(named after their dead parents, must run in the family) grew up and got kids themselves.

Dean himself did never marry. He had few one night stands, but he never met that one girl he would've wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Well, there was Lisa, but that never really worked out. They both knew that, and even if there were some nights when Dean felt like calling her, just to hear her voice, he doesn't. They had their own lives and that's end of that story.

Dean was happy when he got to be that cool uncle for Sam's kids. He was happy because Sam's life was well and that was good enough for him. At least that's what he made himself believe.

When it finally was time for Dean to go to join the Heavenly choir upstairs, he was at his home. Mary had just visited with her husband and the baby. Dean was putting dishes in the washing machine when he had a stroke. He had felt how pain had erupted through his body and how his knees had buckled. How everything had started to go blur and how he had known he wouldn't survive it.

Dean had lived a good life. Still in his last moments, when he actually saw his life flash in front of his eyes, he couldn't help noticing that empty feeling inside him. It had always been there, but he had always chosen to ignore it.

Then it was just blissful dark, which took him away.

**Chapter 1**

When Dean regained consciousness the first thing he saw was the wheel of the Impala.

He had to blink twice to realize where he was. He was sitting in his car in the middle of nowhere, only endless road ahead. The last thing he remembered was his kitchen's floor real close and then nothing. Dean closed his hands, young and smooth again, around the wheel and started to drive, because that's what he felt like a right thing to do at the moment.

He knew he was dead. He had lived long enough to know that his time had come. Besides people just didn't pass out and woke up forty years younger in the middle of the road in their car, which he hadn't been able to drive for months.

Dean guessed this was the afterlife. He didn't believe in God so he wasn't sure if this was Heaven. Then again there wasn't fire, screaming people and laughing Satan anywhere, so this was no Hell either.

Dean kept driving, but occasionally he stopped.

The first time he stopped was when he saw 13-years-old Sam by the road. They went to the woods and blew off some fireworks like it was 4th of the July all over again. It was a nice moment and reminded Dean of his brother. He wondered if they had found his body yet and decided it was time move on.

It didn't take him a while to realize that things he saw along the way were his memories. Specifically happy memories, even though some made him sad just because of that fact.

He relived the Christmas 1991 when he was alone with Sam and their father was away on a business trip. That was when Sam gave him the amulet he wore now over 60 years later.

He relived few good moments with Cassie, the woman he first loved more than one night. He moved to the next memory before it all would come crashing down when Cassie would dump him.

He got to live again the moments when Sam told him he was getting married, when he and his wife had Mary and when they finally had John. He relived all the good moments with the kids and he couldn't help smiling when Mary first called him "Unca' Dean". He missed all of them and he was really happy to see them as kids again even though it was just within his memories.

The last memory he saw, was in his car. He was driving and Sam was sitting next to him. They had gone on road trip when they were still young and free. It had been one of the best years of Dean's life. Crappy motels, junk food, the Impala and the road. It was perfect.

In this particular memory they didn't say anything. They were just quiet and _Traveling Riverside Blues_ was playing on the radio. Dean turned to look at his brother and he smiled. He'd deny anyone who claimed there was a tear on his cheek that moment.

Dean drove to the darkness and he was certain he had lived a good life.

* * *

Dean didn't except to come out of the darkness. He had thought that once he entered, that'd be it. That had seemed logical after reliving your memories. For a moment he was afraid that now that he had seen all the good stuff, it was time to face the reality. Now it was time for all of his life's mistakes, pain and sorrow to be slapped straight to his face and, unlike the happy memories, that would go on forever.

Maybe this was Hell after all. Letting you have something nice before tearing it away.

Dean stepped out of the car and looked around. He didn't know the place but it felt suspiciously comfortable and nice.

It was a house in the middle of the forest and fields. It was a rather big white house with red roof and a porch. There were even apple trees at the yard and all of it seemed too idyllic to be real. Dean could swear he was smelling apple pie somewhere around there and he looked around like he was expecting to find a white fence, but he didn't spot one.

_This could still be Hell_, he thought before closing Impala's door. This certainly wasn't a memory because Dean was damn sure he had never seen this place, but then what was it?

He walked around the yard, trying to peek inside the windows when he heard the door open. For a second he considered hiding or running away because what he had been doing was suspicious as hell.

He decided to stay where stood and turned to look at the porch.

There was a man standing there, about as old as Dean. For what Dean could tell from a far, the man was few inches shorter than he. His messy short hair was dark brown, almost black, and eyes were blue. His chin showed a five o'clock shadow and apart from his rather formal outfit he looked like he had just got out of the bed.

He seemed to be very surprised to see Dean, delighted even. Dean couldn't tell surely, because the guy had as much expressions as a stone statue.

"Um, I'm sorry?" Dean started and tried to look like he was sorry. He just wanted to know what was going on.

"I wasn't sure if anyone lived here so I…" was _creeping around your house_, was left unmentioned, "By the way, could you tell me where this is? I seem to be lost and-"

"Dean."

"…Have no clue wha- excuse me?"

"Dean Winchester", the other man said and he almost rushed from porch to Dean.

"I have been waiting for you", the man stated and he came to stand a little too close for Dean's liking, "A very long time."

"Um, okay…?" Dean said and looked the man questioningly, "What do you mean with a very long time? How do you know my name?"

"I've been watching you", the man said like there's nothing weird or creepy in that, "From here since the day I died", he added and looked Dean like he was the most wonderful being aliv- well, you know what I mean.

"It's an honor to finally meet you in person, Dean Winchester. My name is Castiel", the man said and Dean didn't even want to ask about the weird name because everything in this guy was weird.

"Okay, Castiel, what do you mean you've been watching me? What is this place?" Dean asked. Castiel had mentioned he was dead like him so then this really was…

"This is Heaven, Dean", Castiel answered, "I feel sorry to tell that you're unfortunately dead." The word 'unfortunately' seemed to be added only for Dean's sake because Castiel didn't seem to be upset about his passing on.

"Yep, I noticed as much", Dean said ruder than intended. "This is Heaven? Where are all the other people?"

"In their own heavens. Heaven isn't one big place, as you might think. It's many. Everyone have their own heavens."

"So this is yours?" Dean asked and wondered what the hell he was doing there in that case.

"No, this is ours."

"Say what?" Dean must've heard wrong.

"This is our heaven", Castiel repeated and the look on Dean's face indicated he still thought he had heard wrong. "In some occasions", Castiel started and looked around the yard, "Two people might share a heaven together. This usually happens between lovers and friends. "In other words: soul mates."

"Dude, I don't even know you!" Dean snapped because this was the point when the guy started to piss him off. The guy, who apparently had spied him from heaven and was now claiming that they had to share a bunk in Heaven. _Oh, not on Dean's watch._

"That's not uncommon", Castiel said and turned to face Dean. "Some people never meet their soul mate when they are still alive. Most meet their own when they die and go to the same heaven."

"That doesn't change the fact that I don't know you!" Dean almost shouted, "To me you're some creepy stalker, who's been watching me for God knows how long!

"I apologize if that has made you upset, but-"

"I'm not upset, I'm freaking mad! You can go soul matey all you want, but I'm not doing it with some random guy I just met! I'm leaving!" Dean turned his back to Castiel and went to his car. Heaven, his ass. Guess he was right about the hell after all.

"You can't leave", Castiel stated and didn't even try to stop Dean going.

"Yeah, what makes me?"

Castiel stood quiet and looked uncomfortable as watched Dean to drive away.

Few minutes later the car returned and Dean stepped out of it.

"Didn't I just leave this place?" he asked and looked very confused.

"I told you, you can't leave. You'll just end up back here", Castiel said and went back inside. He knew Dean would just try again and he knew it's no use to try to get him stop. He would try to get away again and again till he would realize it's impossible and maybe not even then. Castiel had already learned that from watching Dean Winchester.

* * *

Dean really did try. Dozen times he drove away from the house, away from Castiel and he still got back to where he started. Every time he saw the house and Castiel watching him from the first floor window. Every time he cursed heavily and turned back only to get to the house again. It was getting dark when Dean decided he was getting tired to drive around circles and he parked the car to the yard as far of the house as possible. He didn't step out of the car, though. He didn't want to go inside and meet Castiel there. Hear him saying smugly: "Told you so". The man creeped him out big time.

Dean sighed and put his head against the wheel. He felt really frustrated. This day had been far from his best. He had died and woken up in Heaven. He had indeed lived through some of his best days earlier, but the first meeting with Castiel had ruined it all. This was the place he was imprisoned till the end of time? Heaven should've been a nice place with booze and women, but no. This was a prison and he had to share it with some oddball stalker. Dean was going to point out he didn't swing that way, when Castiel had said that they are soul mates, but he was just so pissed off at the time that he just wanted to get away. He still wanted.

He missed Sam and kids. He missed being alive. Life had been harder the last few years, of course. Dean's body hadn't been what it had used to be and it indeed had been old. Now there was nothing. He didn't wheeze every time he inhaled, he didn't feel like he needed to use bathroom every damn minute and his body didn't ache in every way possible. He was young again and physically he was feeling better than ever.

He still couldn't bring himself to rejoice about it. The emptiness he had realized having before dying was still there. It felt like it had even grown now that Dean had acknowledged the fact that he's not seeing his brother ever again. Castiel had said that everyone had their own Heaven so Sam would eventually have one too.

Dean had only memories, so many good memories.

Dean felt his eyes going wet and he huffed. This is what being dead was? It hurt. Hurt more than anything Dean had ever faced. Even their parents' death hadn't hurt this much. Sam had been there. He hadn't been alone.

Dean wiped the tears with the back of his hand. He hadn't cried for years and the sensation felt odd, shameful and choking. He leaned back and tried to even his breathing, which proved to be hard, near impossible.

He decided to stop trying and let the tears come. Few silent sobs between breaths broke the car's silence when Dean just thought how fucked up this all was. He didn't forget to curse God between the sobs, of course. He even promised that every now and then every time he woke up and every time he'd go to bed, he'd curse the Son of a Bitch for taking away _everything_ he got.

"Fuck you, you fucking Son of a Bitch…" Dean whispered before he fell asleep.

* * *

Dean's dreams were full of memories. They were all good memories, like bad ones didn't even exist anymore. Somewhere along the way Dean thought he wouldn't mind reliving some crappy moment like when he had to leave Lisa's place for the first time. It would suit greatly to his mood right know. Dean opened his eyes to see that the sky was clear and there was not a tiniest cloud to be seen. The perfect weather.

That irritated him even more and he remembered to curse God for this too.

Dean rubbed his eyes and looked at the house. Castiel wasn't at the window anymore and Dean felt slightly disappointed. He had expected to see man there just staring at him like he had done the whole evening before. (_And before and before and before and before...)_

The man had seemed to be so happy when he saw Dean and for a moment he had been afraid to get an armful of awkward man hug from Castiel. It had clearly took much for to not to do that, which made Dean think, how long exactly Castiel had been here alone.

It took Dean a great moment and little self blame before he got himself out of the car to go to knock the front door. He thought that if they really had to spend the rest of the eternity there together, he could at least get to know the guy. Or at least apologize his major lever douchiness from before.

Dean was raising his hand to knock when the door was opened. It was Castiel and he seemed slightly surprised to see Dean there.

"Hello Dean", Castiel said and he looked even more like he had just woke up. His bed hair must have reached max level a long time ago. He had shaven his beard though and it was just stubble now.

"Um, hello", Dean answered awkwardly before lowering his hand.

"You… You don't need to knock", Castiel gestured awkwardly at Dean's hand, "This is your home too."

"Oh", the man just said and he recalled Castiel saying how this was their Heaven, so maybe it was just logical that they lived in the same house. Dean still wasn't ready to call it home, though.

"Well, ahh, yeah, I just thought I should-", Dean stammered and looked around just to avoid Castiel's piercing gaze.

"It is okay, Dean, I understand", Castiel said, which earned a questioning look from Dean.

"You don't need to apologize or anything. You died yesterday and I was too straight forward when we take that into account." The man let his gaze fall to floor and then rise back to Dean, "I just… I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

"All forgiven and forgotten", Dean said before even considering anything else. He wasn't particularly blaming Castiel for being straight forward. Not anymore at least, now that he had had some time to cool down and think some things through.

A smile so tiny and brief found its way to Castiel's face that Dean wasn't even sure, if he actually saw it.

"Please, come in. I'm not sure if you are hungry, but there is some apple pie in the fridge."

And at that moment Dean was ready to believe that he was in Heaven.

EDIT/Fixed few parts because I spot so many typos and mistakes that my eyes almost started to bleed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The pie was delicious, the best Dean had ever tasted that's for sure. Jokingly he thought that the pie was almost worth of shedding a tear or two and he nearly did. Not that he'd do it in front of Castiel, who was actually staring at him again. He didn't seem to get tired of it.

"Dude, what's with all the staring?" Dean finally asked, "There something on my face?"

"Only freckles", Castiel answered and when he continued staring Dean thought the man was _counting_ them.

"It feels like you're objectifying me."

"Why would I do that?" Castiel frowned and looked Dean even more intensely which made the man move uncomfortably on his chair.

"I don't know. You're the one who has been watching me like I'm the only thing left on Earth! How long you've been even doing that?"

"Time goes differently, if at all, in Heaven. I don't know how much time has passed since I first laid my eyes on you."

Dean didn't mind to mention how objectified that had sounded, "Well… How old was I when you first 'laid your eyes on me'?"

Castiel frown deepened when he started to go through his memories.

"You were… I'd say you were almost thirty."

_Almost thirty?_

"That's over forty years!?" Dean almost stuttered with his words because that's just…! "You've been watching me all that time?"

"How long you've been dead?" he finally asked. Castiel doesn't look older than he and if he has been around more than forty years… He must be old as fuck.

Castiel's gaze lingered somewhere outside the windows.

"I don't remember the day I died anymore", Castiel said quietly. "I just remember the feeling of how how I was here and something was not."

Dean's uncomfortableness rose to a whole new level because he knew that Castiel was talking about him. If they really were soul mates or what so ever. Talking about objectifying…

"But how were you able to", Dean paused because saying it aloud still felt like he was accusing someone of peeking him at shower and, now that he thought about, Castiel probably had, "Watch me from here?"

Before Castiel could answer, Dean threw another question; "Could I see how Sam is doing from here?" He wanted to know how Sam was doing after his big brother had died. Was he fine? Did he mourn Dean? Of course he did, that's Sam we're talking about. He still wanted to know.

"…I think that's ill-advised. You just died and I'm not sure if you are even able to do it", Castiel said and Dean pointed out how Castiel didn't even need ask who Sam was. Dean spouted his lips and then clapped his hands together.

"Okay, so how do I do it?" Dean asked. Castiel sighed, because he had known Dean would ask that at some point. Maybe not this soon, but at some point. Always worrying more about others than yourself. Figures.

"You need to close your eyes."

* * *

After Dean had done everything Castiel had asked, closed his eyes, put his palms together and emptied his head (that was the hardest part, nothing surprising in that), he focused his thoughts to Sam.

"You need to think about the person, who you want to see. Imagine yourself next to him like you were really there."

Dean did and concentrating his thoughts to Sam was rather easy. His life had practically spun around Sam so that's no wonder. Slowly he started to feel how the reality around him began to melt and change to something else. The feeling was disturbing and Dean would've opened his eyes if he hadn't felt a comforting hand on his left shoulder.

"Keep on going, it's supposed to feel like that", he heard Castiel say and with that Dean didn't hear the sound of the house anymore.

He opened his eyes and was almost horrified to see he was in the very familiar house when he had just second ago been totally elsewhere. Sam's home looked still the same.

_Shit, it actually worked, _Dean thought and tried experimentally to touch the wall but his hand went straight through it.

_You're not really there, Dean, that won't work, _he heard a voice in his head say and he almost jumped out of his skin.

"Cas, is that you? What are you doing in my head?"

_I'm not in your head. Your 'body' is still next to me and I'm talking to it. Your soul can hear me even though you theoretically are down there._

Yea, Cas had mentioned something about how in heaven their soul was their body and not actual material. It was a form of energy that could be modified within some lengths. The basic idea of this going-back-to-Earth-thingy was, according to him, that you take a part of your soul and imagine it near to the place you want it to be. Then you can control it from heaven and see everything through it.

"So it's like a clone", Dean had said.

"More like an extension of your consciousness." Cas had replied. He wondered how Cas new so much about these things, but then again he had had time.

Whatever it was, it was cool. Dean might not be able to do anything than watch but it was still cool. He started to look around and he felt odd warmth around his chest. It had been only one da- no wait, it had been actually a week down here according to an electric calendar on the wall - when Dean had last seen Sam's home and it was comforting to be there again again. For a long time it had been his home too. He went to the bookshelf where Sam kept their photos and just for kicks he walked through the sofa. Dean had seen the photos several times but now there was couple of new ones. Mostly of him, but also one of Mary's new baby. Dean didn't even have enough time to think how he could never be able to play with her, when he heard the front door open and saw who came in.

"Sammy", Dean whispered and he could almost hear his heart broke. Sam had never been so upset. He was dressed in a black suit, his long gray hair was tied up to back and his eyes were slightly red like he had been crying. Dean heard Sam's wife talk outside the door and Sam quietly turned to answer her, "It's fine I just… Want to be alone for a moment." He closed the door behind him and slowly took his shoes off. Sam looked pained and at first Dean hoped it was only because of his back. It had been aching for a several months now and Sam made sure to bitch about it every once in a while, but the sorrow in his eyes wasn't from back pains.

_He's coming from my funeral_, the realization hit Dean like a bag of rocks and he felt like something was tightening around his neck.

Sam sighed and turned his face to the bookshelf, where Dean's photos were. For a second he stared right at Dean but still watching completely through him.

"Sammy, I'm right here", Dean tried but Sam couldn't hear him. How could he? Dean didn't exist in this dimension anymore. He truly was dead to this world.

_I shouldn't have come here_, Dean thought and suddenly he's back at the heaven again feeling slightly more miserable than last night. Castiel's hand rested still on his shoulder and its warmth was comforting. It made him feel less emotionally skinned alive.

"I shouldn't have gone there…" Dean whispered and is almost happy to realize that there are no more tears to shed. He just feels horrible.

Castiel didn't say anything. He could. Something like: "I told you so, but you just had to go and do it", but he doesn't. Not even big fat lies of 'how Dean will eventually get over it and heaven is really nice place and all.' That's bullshit, because Dean will never forgive himself for leaving Sam alone on Earth.

"When I was a kid, I thought Heaven would be a nice and funny place without pain…" Dean huffed but he doesn't sound amused. That's pretty much all he has felt since arriving here. You might laugh, but you're broken dead from the inside.

"I thought so too…" Castiel answered quietly and Dean turned to look at him.

"Did you go to see your relatives after you died too?" he asked and too late realized he maybe shouldn't have.

"I didn't. They died years before me."

"Oh." Yep, he really shouldn't have asked, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I hope I don't need to remind you how we're both dead too."

"And I'm damn sorry for that too", Dean smiled, but it was far from reaching his eyes.

* * *

After that Dean said he wanted to be alone for a while and Castiel understood and showed him his room. Apparently the moment Dean had died, the room had appeared from a big steaming pile of nothing. Suddenly it had just started to exist and there was a new room at the second floor. It was simple and very similar to what his room had been like when he had been still alive. Apart from pictures of family and Dean's nonexistent friends, there wasn't much stuff on the walls. The huge bookshelf was full of classic rock, Kurt Vonnegut and Dean might have spotted a book or two about classic cars too. Dean had also spotted some of his favorite movies and all the seasons of Dr Sexy MD at the living room.

He took a hopeful peek to the closets and he found all his personal belongings there. Clothes, magazines (Even Busty Asian Beauties), every little thing he collected in his childhood, things he thought he had lost and please tell me, there is a relaxation system in that bed.

Dean went to try the bed and it's the second time that day he feels like shedding a tear of joy.

Memory foam mattress.

_Yes, in some levels this must be heaven_, Dean thought and went to lie on the bed and he almost beamed because the bed was _the best he's ever fucking had._

"Heaven's all good food, good music and good bed…" he sighed and tried to sink deeper in the mattress.

Nope. No bed like this on Earth.

/Reviews would be appreciated :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Castiel had felt when Dean had died.

Usually that would have felt like someone ripped your limb off. That's what losing a soul mate usually feels like, but that's when they both are still alive. Dean must've felt severe pain the moment Castiel died, but at the time Dean probably thought that he hit his toe or something and he's not crying, he just got dirt in his eyes, is all. He'd never met Castiel so how could he actually mourn his death?

But Cas had known Dean for a long time, observing and waiting. When Dean's soul had departed from Earth, Castiel had felt joy. Like something he had lost was finally found and coming home. It had been the happiest moments of his life. He wouldn't tell that to Dean, though. He was quite sure the man would hit him for even thinking something like that. "I don't swing that way", is what he'd say, but it was not about that. And then again Dean was busy mourning and accepting his own death. Still at the times Castiel felt like Dean was rather comfortable in their heaven, but it was Sam he was worrying about.

There were time when Castiel almost said, "Do not worry. He's getting here soon and then he won't be pained anymore", but he figured Dean would hit him for saying that too.

In the end Castiel chose to stay silent most of the time.

He didn't mind staying quiet. What he did mind was that Dean also didn't say a word. They greeted each other at mornings and told each other goodnights and occasionally Dean commented something that happened on TV to Cas, who only nodded because he'd never been a big fan of TV.

He didn't want to seem too offensive when Dean already thought he was weird and stalker-ish. He had said so himself. After all those years in Heaven Castiel's "people skills" had gotten little rusty, so he thought it was the best to stay silent. To give Dean some space. However, he longed even some sort of contact and feeling of closeness with Dean (with other human being to be more accurate) and how he expressed it was certainly not in Dean's liking.

"Oh, come on, Cas! That's just too creepy!" Dean had snapped when he had found Castiel was standing way within his personal space (radius 6 feet) again.

Castiel would always apologize but then again he would not stop doing it. Eventually Dean started to think it was Cas' thing and he stopped pointing it out. Not that often anyway and Cas would continue sitting too close when they were watching TV (Over 100 channels at Heaven, who would've known) and he would sneak behind him when he had something to say. Dean lost count of times when Castiel did that. And he still stared. That truly was something he was never getting tired of.

Other than that their time at Heaven was… Varying. Especially, when Dean sometimes acted like a menstruating teen girl. Mostly he was in good mood, hanging around his room or working on with Impala ("At least I got you, baby") and listening music at the same time. He refused to talk if something was troubling him and told Cas to bite him and mind his own business.

Sometimes Cas feels like telling him to stow his crap.

Cas had informed that they didn't require food or sleep in Heaven, but Dean happened to enjoy those little things so he did them anyway ("I've never eaten or sleep so well in my entire life!"). Dean took cooking his main duty, but he was always happy when Cas baked him some apple pie and that soon became one of his favorite things. Cas hadn't told Dean that when he first arrived, the apple pie in the fridge was made especially for him. Cas didn't usually eat anymore and he had baked the pie to make Dean feel himself more welcomed and make the place feel more like home. The plan had failed rather drastically, though…

Then there were those days, when Dean would be like a bomb waiting to explode. Anything Cas would say or do, would make him snap. He would yell how he hated this place, how he missed his family and how Cas should stay the fuck away from him.

He would wonder if it was possible to die twice.

He would go outside for a walk before he would break anything and when he returned it was already dark and Castiel was waiting him in the kitchen. Dean wouldn't say anything to that. He would go straight to his room and Castiel would silently go to his.

Dean wasn't accustomed to the thought that Castiel was supposed to be his soul mate. He doubted if he'll ever get used to that. Castiel was patient; he had waited for forty years Dean to arrive. He could wait millennia or two for him to open up. Time wasn't a matter.

He still hoped Dean would stop venting his anger on him.

* * *

Dean had lost count of days he had spent at Heaven. Days merged together and even though Castiel had mentioned time didn't exist in Heaven, seasons did change. It had been summer, when Dean had arrived and now every place was white with snow. Maybe it was just their heaven but it was still nice.

Dean looked out of the window and wondered if seasons lasted longer in Heaven because it certainly hasn't felt like few months had only passed. More like years. How much time had passed on Earth? He didn't know and after that first time at there, after he died, he didn't even want to know. He had visited down there couple of times just to check if Sam was still alive and kicking but the visits were brief and he stopped doing them eventually. Dean didn't want to go there one day only to find Sam dead. He'd rather be here.

The thought amazed him. He'd rather be among the dead than the living. This is what being dead does to you.

The scent of coffee got Dean snap back at reality. Castiel always woke up before him (if he even slept at all, Dean didn't know) and he was always made coffee because he knew Dean liked it. Dean didn't mind because Castiel's coffee was good. He dressed up and went to downstairs.

"Mornin'", Dean said when he came down to kitchen and found Castiel standing next to the coffee pot with a steaming cup. After few (presumable) weeks he had started to drink coffee too or "coffee", because he added all kinds of junk in it. Sugar, milk, cream, et cetera. There was like ten per cent actual coffee in that thing.

"Hello Dean", Castiel replied casually and usually that was pretty much their small talk. Not today though.

"Tell me, Cas, how long winters usually last up here?"

"Time does not-"

"I know it doesn't exist in Heaven", Dean doubted if Cas was even able to give a straight answer, "I'm asking how long does it feel."

Castiel looked outside like he could find answers there. _So many answers…_

"Before you came…" Castiel started and Dean wished he had used different words, "They felt long. And lonely. I spend most of the time watching you. It was much more joyous to watch you play with Mary and John down there than being here."

Dean couldn't imagine how he could even forget Castiel knew practically everything about him. Maybe he should actually have an actual conversation with him every once in a while.

Yea, that might help. Or not.

"Now, I think…" Dean wished he had heard what Castiel was going to say when strangling feeling jerked him on his knees. Blood throbbed in his ears, he saw how Cas crouched to him, asked him to pull it together, but Dean didn't pay attention to any of that. World spun around him and all he could feel was sorrowful pain and joy.

Sam had died.

/Hohohoo, a cliffhanger!

Reviews would be appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

** Chapter 4**

"Sam's here", Dean whispered and a tear drop down his cheek, "Sam's in Heaven, I can feel it!" Dean had no other word for it. He just sensed Sam's presence, if that made any sense. He could also feel how tense Castiel went after that.

"I have to find him..!" Dean muttered and stumbled to his feet, but then Castiel grabbed his wrist.

"How, Dean?" Castiel asked his eyes dead serious. "You can't leave from here."

"It's my brother were talking about! If there's no way out, then I'm making one!" Dean insisted and tugged his hand, but Castiel's grip held.

"That's impossible and you know it", he gritted through his teeth, hoping that at least once Dean would be able to reason.

"I'm making it possible! Let go of my hand, Cas!" Dean hissed and Castiel's expression tightened as did his grip.

"No! Listen to me, Dean!" he pleaded, "What you're willing to do is impossible for normal souls! You would just return here, no matter how many times you drove down that road."

"Maybe I'm not using the road", Dean replied bluntly.

Castiel frowned and before he got to ask what Dean meant the realization hit him and his expression widened. "That's insane. You can't think of trying-"

"I already did and I'm doing it!" Dean said through his teeth, "Cas, I need to do this… It's Sam we're talking about. I'm going and-"

"Then I'm coming with you!"

"You- what?"

Castiel's hand eased around Dean's wrist which gained red markings from other man's fingers. Dean looked like Cas had hit him. Well, in some way he probably did. The little Dean had learned of Castiel during his time at Heaven, he was awkward, silent and dutiful man (and weird of course.) This kind suggestion was truly unexpected and it had caught him off-guard.

"I'm saying I'm coming with you", Castiel repeated, "I can't let you do that alone." The look on his face indicated he was not going to take 'no' for an answer. "Besides", he continued, "I highly doubt you know how it will work in Heaven. It greatly differs from going to Earth, Dean."

Normally Dean would've argued. Said that Castiel had no reason to come and how this was between him and Sam. How he could handle this alone.

He did not this time, though.

"Yeah, I figured as much", Dean grinned tentatively and thought what the fuck had his life, death, _whatever _become.

* * *

"I have tried to travel between heavens before", Castiel explained while he drew weird sigils to doors and windows. _With his blood._ Dean started really to think he should've talked more to Castiel. He knew almost nothing about the guy now that he really thought about it. He had a shared a house with an occultist without even realizing it. That's just wonderful.

"So… How did that went…?" Dean asked and scratched his arm from the same place, where Cas had cut his own.

"I almost ran to an angel. They wouldn't be pleased to find a soul out of its Heaven."

_An angel. There are angels. _

_Hello, God, it's me Dean Winchester, don't you have better fucking things to do than make my life miserable and absurd? Yea, I thought so, thanks._

"What happened then?"

"I barely escaped when they tried to track me."

Dean eyebrows almost shoot their way up to the roof.

"I told you this is dangerous", Castiel shrugged and banded the wound. _How can he bleed if we don't have material bodies anymore, _Dean thought and decided to ask more about that later_. If they survived, that is._ He didn't want to think about what happened to a soul if it dies in Heaven. Even less he wanted to find it out himself.

"These wards make sure angels can't find us even if we are spotted between heavens", Castiel explained and hold his palm around the wound to make the bleeding stop. The band aid was already soaking wet with blood.

"We can still stop", he said and turned to Dean, "You don't have to do this."

Dean might have spent a moment to reconsider in another nonexistent timeline, but in this time though…

"No. I need to find, Sam", he said his voice grave, "We didn't even got to say any goodbyes back then. I have to fix that."

Castiel sighed.

"As you wish."

* * *

This time was certainly different than just making a brief visit on Earth. Castiel was even more serious and tense than usual and it rubbed on Dean too. It started to feel like they were doing something they really, _really_ shouldn't be doing. In fact, they were doing something like that so maybe it wasn't all Cas. He still wasn't going to back off. He had made his mind and he was going to meet- not only see-_meet_ Sam face to face.

"Are you ready?" Castiel asked when he had checked the wards one last time. Even a tiny mistake and they could be having a house-full of angry angels. What Dean had understood from Castiel's talk about angels was that they were Heaven's warriors. Or more like weapons without free will and all they could do was obeying God's will.

"Bunch of flying dicks then", Dean had commented and Castiel had shot a look at the man like he had offended him.

"Yep, I'm ready", Dean answered and closed his eyes, waiting for Castiel's instructions. He tugged his hand away when Castiel tried to take it in his palm.

"Dean, this is necessary", he said slightly annoyed and tried again. Dean did not back off this time when a warm, comforting feeling washed over him. The man breathed deeply and suddenly he felt oddly consent, given the situation.

"Concentrate on Sam", Castiel told, "and imagine us both there with him, where ever he is." Dean would've liked to ask why he had to imagine them both, when Castiel answered:

"I don't share a pond with Sam. I simply wouldn't be able to find him like that."

"Dude, did you just read my mind?"

"To travel together, our souls must be intertwined together", Castiel explained, "Otherwise we might get separated and we'd more vulnerable. Reading each other thoughts is one of the…Side effects." Dean had a feeling Castiel was going to say perks and he wondered if that's from the connection or –

"Yes."

"Oh, cut it out!"

Dean could sense Cas was doing that almost-smile of his and he shot a look at him behind his eyelids.

"Let's just go…" he muttered and concentrated his thoughts on his brother.

He imagined Cas and him next to Sam and once again he could feel the surroundings melt, but the feeling was slightly different this time. It had been uncomfortable he traveled to Earth. He'd rather have that feeling back.

It burned. It burned like hell. Like the place seriously didn't want them to get not even a tiny piece of their souls out. Like it would burn them to crisp if they even dared to try.

That didn't stop them trying.

* * *

Dean would have compared it to swimming upstream in lava. Not really the most pleasant feeling to experience with _your soul_. He felt mental pain on top of the physical pain. Like his body was burning and his soul was being skinned alive. It would've probably driven him mad, if it weren't for Cas. Just the fact that he was there and made sure he didn't stop. Dean felt Castiel's soul surround him like giant wings and he was sure he would hurt _a lot more_ without Cas' protection.

Still Dean felt like giving up many times. He didn't know how long they had been trying to penetrate whatever was trying to keep them in, he just wanted the burning, choking sensation to end. Cas' soul offered comfort, but it still couldn't completely protect him from it. Dean wondered how Cas was doing because he seemed to be okay despite the situation. Dean's head felt like it would soon explode. He felt that a moment longer and he couldn't take it anymore. He would die in Heaven.

_ A little more, Dean_, he heard Cas' calm voice say in his head and Dean found enough power to give that one last try and...

…Like he could breathe again. In an instant the burning sensation was gone and Dean felt lighter and better than ever. He felt alive.

In an instant the world had widened and it was not just their kitchen anymore.

Heavens. Unimaginable amount of different people's heavens floating in space.

Dean wasn't sure how he could tell those things were heavens. They all looked like glowing spheres but they all felt a little different in a way that Dean couldn't wrap his head around it.

That didn't change the fact that they were wonderful. He could even feel how the spheres radiated happiness, comfort and _peace._

How they floated around in nothingness reminded Dean about the night sky he had seen on the road trip, half way to Louisiana.

The spheres looked like stars on a night sky.

Stars.

_Holy **shit.**_

The spheres could be seen from Earth at night.

They were the stars.

Ancestors are always watching from the stars.

It was like straight from some half-assed Disney-movie.

"Awesome" Dean whispered and was so fascinated with the scene, he only now felt a tug on his sleeve. It was Cas, or actually some glowing soul version of Cas and damn... For a few seconds he did honestly think that was beautiful too.

"We need to go now", Dean heard him say more in his mind than in front of him, "We might have already been noticed, we must hurry."

"Yea, I got it…" Dean said and shook the image in front of him out of his mind and concentrated on Sam when the scenery started to change rapidly. They couldn't tell a heaven from another as images flew in front of their eyes and blurred into one colorful mass.

Then it suddenly stopped. The surroundings took shape in a snap and so did Cas, who had slowly started to look more like himself than that glowing soul- Cas. Dean would have looked the man longer but he was too distracted with the place they had appeared to.

"Sam's home…" he smiled the moment he recognized the place. It hadn't changed a bit. Every photo, every book, every ornament, every houseplant… They were just like they used to be. This felt more like home than Castiel's and his Heaven ever did.

Dean took a step but then he suddenly felt Cas tighten his grip.

"We mustn't get separated", the man noted, " Let's find Sam and leave." He looked warily around them, like an angel could pop out of thin air any second now.

"Do we need to hold hands?" Dean asked and shook the hand Cas was clinging into.

"It's not… particularly necessary, but it makes the returning easier."

Dean rolled his eyes and let it be. There were more important matters to do.

"Sam!" he called and tried to ignore how his voice shook slightly. He was exited and afraid. Sam should be able to hear and see them now that they existed in the same dimension, but what if it didn't work…

"Sammy, are you here?"

"Dean?" he heard a familiar voice say.

/Reviews would be appreciated :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Dean? Is that really you?" Sam said and his voice trembled. He looked as young as he had looked over 40 years ago. No wrinkles and not a slightly hunching back. No gray hair, no liver spots, no anything. His hair might be longer now than then. Dean had always said that he should just cut it, but no. Stubbornly Sam had kept growing it and they had bitched about his hair length till it almost evolved to a way of greeting. 'Hello Samantha, you mind some cuttin'?' 'Hello Dean. Bite me', which was followed by almost traditional exchange of words, 'bitch' and 'jerk'.

Good times.

Dean didn't remember when he had last been happier to see his brother. He had even forgotten the fact that they were _fucking dead _when he walked to him. Cas had unwillingly let go of his hand.

"You're… not a memory… aren't you?" Sam asked like he was unsure that if he got closer, Dean would disappear.

"It's me, Sammy", Dean gestured himself, "As real and dead as ever," The man smiled and Castiel had never seen a smile like that on his face. It was so relieved and happy that the wrinkles it made on his face, made him look even more beautiful than he already was. And Cas wasn't necessarily talking about Dean's face.

It was expected. Dean came all this way when he had heard his brother was dead. He had waited so long to meet him again that he broke a great deal of rules to do so. Cas knew what it was like to wait someone with an anticipation like that.

As much as he was happy for Dean, he just wanted to disappear for a moment. Just so brothers could have some time together, before they had to leave. Besides Cas might've felt slightly out of place. The brothers saw only each other and Cas looked more like furniture than a person near a corner.

Sam hadn't even noticed Cas when he had huffed and went to embrace Dean.

"It's good to see you, Sammy…" Dean muttered and the longer man nodded.

"Even in a situation like this", Sam smirked when they diverged. "When we're both dead…"

"Oh, it's not that bad, when you get used to it", Dean said as he almost playfully slapped his brother's shoulder, "Food here is awesome." The fond smile on Sam's face made quite clear that Dean wasn't the only one who had been missing his brother.

"And, ahh, how were the kids?" Dean's smile dropped a little when brought that up, "Mary and John? And the lady?"

Sam bit his lower lip. Dean took it that he really didn't want to talk about it and he could understand that. He wouldn't want to talk about either, but it had be so long since he had last been on Earth. He wanted to know.

"Your death was a shock. To all of us, Dean", Sam answered quietly, "Especially for me when I was the one who found your body", he smiled awkwardly and scratched his neck like always with ill-timed jokes.

"Yeah, I can imagine", Dean smiled too because now that you think about it, it was like a final prank of a very bad taste. Like hiding a dead mouse inside someone's closet, only that this time you hide a dead you inside your own house and _then_ your brother finds you! If they weren't discussing about it now, it wouldn't be half as bad as it was now.

Sam smirked weakly and continued: "It took a while to recover from that blow. You had been around forever, you know? And then suddenly you weren't, it was…" Sam didn't finish that sentence and Dean was fine with that. He actually got to see what it was like and that was enough for a lifetime or an eternity, thank you very much.

"Mary and John were both really upset after your funeral. You were like a second father to them", Sam fell silent and continued;" Mary gave a good speech afterwards. She was going to talk about that time when she and John had raided through your house and found all kind of stuff, but I told her not to."

"Yea, I can imagine", Dean grinned and remembered the day. They hadn't been older than 5 years, when they had found Dean's porn collection in the depths of his closet when they were looking for toys. Sam had scolded them all: the kids for looking inside Dean's closet without asking and Dean for keeping kids toys the same place as his porn.

He wondered how they were doing now. First they had lost Dean and now Sam. They still had their mother though, but it's not like she was younger than either of the brothers. She'd probably join Sam soon and for once Dean didn't see death such a bad thing.

"Well, we both got to better place so I guess were both good", he grins and Sam continues with his awkward smile.

"Only that she's still down there", Sam stated and looked down like he'd actually see her from here. Dean remembered what Cas had said about soul mates and how their absence affected to other half. Sam was going to have lonely time while waiting his wife. Dean considered sharing a little trick with him, if they had time. Castiel hadn't still said anything about leaving so he guessed it was fine to talk a moment longer.

"You'll see her eventually", Dean tried, but he wasn't sure would that actually be comforting. Luckily Sam seemed to buy it.

"Yeah… I guess you're right…" he said and looked around the house and that's when he finally noticed Castiel.

"Who are-"

"He's Castiel", Dean hurried to say, "He's my…" The man didn't want to use word 'soul mate' in front of his little brother because that'd top a whole new level of awkward, "holy roommate."

"Roommate?"

"Yea, because did you know that heaven is divided in sections? Everyone has their own but for some reason I'm sharing mine with him!" Dean's laugh might've been slightly forced, but it'd hopefully do the trick. It'd better be.

"Okay…?" Sam said slowly.

_Obviously it didn't do the trick._

Sam didn't ask more questions of the matter for Dean's great joy. Instead he went to shake hands with Castiel who was going to succeed at making that awkward too.

"It's nice to meet you, Castiel. I'm Sam and I'm-"

"Dean's little brother, yes. It's nice to finally meet you too, Sam", Castiel said as he covered Sam's hand with his own. " I've heard a lot about you." And by 'heard' he probably meant 'seen'. Dean was feeling rather red around his ears when Sam glanced at him over his shoulder and the man hoped Castiel wouldn't say anything unnecessary.

"So, how did you guys get here?" Sam asked and Dean was glad that he decided not to stick with the previous subject.

"Apparently there's a way to move between heavens", Dean smiled and remembered how damn painful the way had been. Hopefully the returning wouldn't be as nice experience.

"Really? How? How did you do that?" Sam asked amazed but before Dean got to give a lecture about soul traveling Castiel came to interrupt him.

"I wouldn't recommend telling, Dean. What we do is already very dangerous", he glanced Sam, "We shouldn't risk your brother too."

"Risk?" the speed from brother-Sam to daddy-Sam was incredible, "Dean, what's going on? What does he mean with dangerous?"

"Apparently", the older one started with an eye roll. He seriously didn't want to go through this conversation. "It's also strictly forbidden to do so, but we're not actually away from our heaven either, so we're just bending some rules."

This time it was Castiel's turn to do an eye roll, because this was just bending? Cas was glad Dean was on the right side of the law. Otherwise this could be _a lot_ worse.

For example Sam could be even more furious than he was now.

"Breaking rules in Heaven? What the hell were you thinking, Dean?"

"Yes, Dean, what in the bloody hell were you thinking?"

And an angel could appear from nowhere right next to Castiel.

* * *

"Finally I found you", the blond angel said with an extremely annoying British accent, "The daddy upstairs heard there was some little lambs loose, so he sent a shepherd to lead them back to home", he smiled and put his hand firmly on Castiel's shoulder.

If Dean had ever had a mental image of fat cherub angels, this guy broke them all. First of all he wore a V-neck. What kind of an angel wears a V-neck? Other than that he was dressed like any other guy, with a suit jacket and jeans and there were no puffy wings and halo to be seen.

Instead of them there was this attitude of his. Even the air around him was sarcastic. The guy looked more fitting to run a playboy mansion than to be a holy warrior.

"You son of a bitch, who are you?" Dean shouted and all of them knew very well he shouldn't have. Even Dean knew that, but he failed to hold his tongue. For some reason that smug bastard made his blood boil.

"Oh, shut up, will you?" the angel said like he was already 300 per cent done with Dean's bullshit. "I'm only here to put you little birdies back to your cage and I don't feel like smiting petty human souls today." Castiel winced at the mention of smiting but then again he was the only one who had the angel's fingers wrapped around his shoulder.

"So if you could just kindly pull your tight arses back to where they belong, we could all go home happily. What do you think, hm?"

Dean's gaze went quickly from angel to Castiel who had gone so tense it looked like he had turned to stone. Well, truth to be told, Dean would've probably done the same if he had been in his place.

"Let's do what he says, Dean" Castiel said sternly through his teeth to Dean.

"Wonderful! At least little Cassie still knows some manners in these days!" the angel said delightfully and patted Castiel's back, who twitched uncomfortably, "So, if you wouldn't mind coming closer, I'd take you both back."

"Why should I trust you?" Dean said, once again before he got to think twice.

Both Castiel and Sam looked Dean like he had gone mad. _You're talking to an angel of the motherfucking lord, you goddamn idiot!_ _Show some respect!_

The angel himself was 400 per cent done with Dean's bullshit.

"Look, I have been nice with you", he said voice dangerously calm, "But I can take you back screaming and kicking, if that's what you especially want." With that he snapped his fingers and Castiel disappeared.

"Cas!" Dean shouted and jerked to the direction where the man had been standing. Suddenly the angel was in front of him and his palm was placed on Dean's forehead. Not so gently he started to squeeze Dean's temples and it started to hurt way more than it should have. It hurt more than leaving their Heaven. It hurt like _a bitch_.

Dean screamed and then he was gone.

The angel turned to Sam who looked stunned the place where his brother had been standing just moments ago.

"At least you're where you belong to…" the angel muttered and pulled a glass from his sleeve and filled it with sherry, "Do not worry, your brother's fine."

He sipped the drink and shuddered, "I think."

Sam heard a flutter of wings and then the angel was gone too.

* * *

Dean's eyes snapped open and the first few seconds all he saw was blinding blur. His head hurt like he had downed a whole liqueur store last night and, when he actually started to notice how crappy he felt, that might have just been the case.

Expect that it wasn't.

Dean had angered an angel. Dean had made a lot of people mad in his days, but an angel was a new one. And the first one with a power to smite him out of existence, if he felt like it. Dean wondered if pain was all he knew these days. The empty feeling was back again, bigger and deeper than ever like it had been gnawing his insides.

It damn sure felt like it.

Dean groaned and turned to lie on his stomach. He was still there. He was still in Heaven, lying on their kitchen floor. The angel hadn't destroyed him, just wrecked a little around the corners. Dean was sure he was full of burns and bruises.

_How good for me_, Dean thought sarcastically and bent to hurl half of his guts out on the floor.

He coughed and tried to wipe away the bitter after taste of puke with a back of his hand with a little success. The angel had sent him back and he certainly hadn't been the most gentle when doing it. Carefully Dean stood up on his legs and he was somewhat glad to find out none of his bones were broken.

It took him only one glance to notice that he was back there _alone._

Castiel had been sitting next to him when they had started but he was now nowhere to be seen.

"Cas?" he coughed but he knew no one would answer. Dean hadn't actually felt Castiel's presence before around the house. It had always been there, since the moment of Dean's arrival so he hadn't really paid attention to it. He hadn't had to. It was like something you'd took for granted, like breathing or existing.

And now it was gone. It was gone and the empty void, it had left behind, was heavy, pressing and _everywhere._

_This can't be happening_, Dean swallowed and rushed to look Cas forgetting all about his injuries.

* * *

He searched every room. Multiple times. Dean knew it was futile but he had to try, he had to do something before his thoughts would drive him crazy.

_What did that son of a bitch do to him, where is he, what happened to him, is he alright, this is all my fault, I should've backed off while we still had a chance, I should've protected him, I shouldn't have let this happen, this is all my fault, my fault, **my fault. **_

Those thoughts wouldn't leave him alone. The second he even dared to think something else, they came back to him and they hurt.

He wondered if Sam was alright but then again, he was where he should've been. In his Heaven. The angel had no reason to punish him.

And he had a suspicion that, if Sam had disappeared too, he would have already killed himself.

Well… Not that he wasn't far from it now…

* * *

Dean found himself sitting on his chair in the kitchen. The wards were still on the walls and they reminded him of how Castiel had slit his wrists before and for what? So Dean could perform his epic trip of high level foolishness and put them both into danger? He still didn't know how Cas knew all that stuff about Heaven, angels and about everything. He remembered how he didn't actually _know_ Castiel at all. He had never asked and it never seemed to be necessary. Until now, when the guy was gone as cliché as it might be.

"Cas, you son of a bitch…" he whispered voice full of worry and ran his hands through his hair.

Then he felt like hitting himself.

The soul traveling! Why hadn't he thought about that earlier? He needed to only think about Cas and he could be able to find him!

Dean slapped his hands together as he closed his eyes.

_Cas, where are you? _he asked and imagined Castiel and he standing next to him.

He knew that something should've happened already.

_Cas? _Dean tried again, but all he got was a big, steaming pile of

nothing.

He was still in the kitchen,

he was still alone,

Castiel was still gone,

and the agonizing emptiness was still there.

/Reviews would be much appreciated :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 **

Every day Dean tried to find Cas.

Every morning, when he woke up, he'd close his eyes and try to get to him.

Every night, before he went to bed, he'd do the same again.

Every time he tried, all he got was nothing. He couldn't reach him.

Days were hollow, when all you did was trying to find someone, who might not even exist anymore. Dean didn't want to think Cas was completely gone. The angel had just sent him somewhere else, he'd return eventually.

Believing in that, Dean went on.

* * *

Dean stopped making food at some point. He had lost his appetite pretty soon after the son of a bitch had zapped him back. He didn't even want to make coffee, because he knew it would only taste bitter. Only Castiel could make coffee that didn't pull your face into a horrific grimace.

He still tried to sleep, which at some nights proved to be hard. He often had nightmares.

Eventually Dean stopped sleeping too. He got tired of seeing Cas disappear over and over again every night. He got tired of how it just made everything feel much worse when Cas wasn't around when he woke up.

Dean would still spend hours on lying on his bed, counting spots in the ceiling.

There were 176.

* * *

One night he thought that this must've been what Castiel's everyday life was before Dean died, with an exception that he could just go and watch Dean when he felt like it. Dean wasn't even able to go back to Earth anymore. He had tried to go to see Sam's wife but, once again, nothing happened. He wondered if it was a pond -thing or something. Castiel could see him because he was his soul mate (he had finally started to get used to the thought) and Dean could see Sam, because as brothers they had always been close. Dean had even felt Sam die.

He had probably felt Castiel die.

Shit.

_Don't think about it, _he told himself. The last thing he wanted to do, now that Castiel was gone, is _think _how he had died!

Dean pushed the thought away and decided he would ask.

When Castiel returns, that is.

* * *

Dean sometimes would take a peek in Castiel's room. He never went in, just looked what it could tell about Castiel. Dean wouldn't just go and raid his stuff when the guy was gone.

If Cas had left on his own, Dean would've searched every fucking hole in the place, just to find a lead about his whereabouts or motives.

More than twice.

He wanted to go in his room and see what Cas kept in there, but he doubted he would find anything usefull.

Given the situation, where Castiel had just disappeared with no trace, Dean decided to stay out of the room. When Castiel would return, he'd deserve to find his room like he had left it. He really did want to find more about Cas, but he also respected his privacy.

Dean huffed sadly.

Since when Castiel had respected his?

* * *

Days passed and turned to weeks. Dean had started to count days and he had put a scrap of paper to living room (because he rarely used kitchen anymore) where he had scribbled a calendar of some sort. There was not any particular reason; maybe he just wanted to have something else to think about.

Then, why all he saw from that calendar was, how long he had been alone in Heaven? How long had passed since Cas disappeared? How long it was till the end of time?

How long did he have to suffer in Heaven before it all would end?

* * *

Dean still remembered to curse God every day. Now he also cursed that feathered angel bastard and just because Dean liked him less than God, he'd add few extra 'son of a bitch, go to hell' to his evening prayers.

Dean wondered if it was possible to go to Hell from Heaven.

* * *

Slowly the winter started to move from the way of the spring.

Dean couldn't care less. He didn't care if the days were longer and the snow had started to melt. He didn't care if he didn't have to wipe the Impala clean every day anymore or if the air smelled like sunlight and fresh soil and plants. He preferred cloudy days and most of the time he spent inside the house anyway.

He still tried to get hold of Cas but somewhere along it changed from tries of soul traveling to praying.

_Cas? I'm not sure if you can hear me, but you once read my thoughts, didn't you? I thought that maybe… You could hear me… _

_Cas, where are you?_

_Cas, are you okay? _

_I'm sorry, Cas, this is all my fault. _

_I'm sorry that I pulled you into all this. _

_Cas, I miss you._

_Cas, please, answer me._

_Come back, Cas. I beg of you. _

_Cas, I'm sorry… for everything. _

_Cas, I need you._

* * *

Dean almost hated to accept the fact that he needed Cas. He hadn't even realized when that had happened, but he hated the feeling that he couldn't go on his own. He hated the fact that when he first thought he needed Cas, it had sounded like he was addict and Cas was his drug.

It scared him. Dean was scared how dependent he had become of a human being, who wasn't his family. Sam and his wife he understood and their kids, but Cas was something he did not understand.

He wasn't sure if he could even call Castiel his friend. Dean had found Cas' knowledge useful and used it and his help for his own interest, which had finally 'caused all the problems he had now. He had been a selfish fuck and it had taken him something, what felt like a year, to realize that.

This realization, unsurprisingly, did not make him feel any better.

/Shortie chapter, but I just wanted to get on with the story. I bet we all have had our share of depressed Dean, so I wont mention every goddamn thing he felt sad about(I might add couple more later, when I check the chapter again in case of typos, I'm really tired now and might have missed a few).

Once again reviews would be appreciated :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The first time Dean felt that sensation it was like he was in an empty glass which somebody had slowly started to fill.

It had made him jump on his bed. He was full of disbelief, because this seriously couldn't be happening. Not now, not after such a long time. Dean put his palms on his temples and tried to concentrate and get hold of the feeling. He might have just imagined to whole thing. Wouldn't be the first time and he didn't want to get his hopes up just yet, but it was truly happening. It was real and it almost made Dean's chest burst from joy.

The Heaven was being filled. It was filled by something bright, glorious, warm and _familiar_. Something Dean hadn't sensed since forever.

Dean got up from the bed like a kid at Christmas 25th as he bolted out of the door straight to the first floor. He almost fell twice on the way before he violently pulled the front door open.

Behind it he found a very startled Castiel who had just been about to open the door himself.

Dean might have just skipped a breath or two when he saw the worry in Cas' eyes. He looked just like he had back in Sam's Heaven. The same clothes, the same stubble and the same messy hair. Dean felt like doubting his eyes because good things didn't simply just happen to him. Why Cas was suddenly back, he did not know, but he knew that it was the real him even though he had hard time believing it.

"Dean, are y-", Castiel got to say before Dean pulled him to tight embrace. He savored the warmth of the feeling that Cas was there within his reach. It was real alright and he wasn't letting go of it anytime soon.

Dean wanted to say something, _anything_, but words died when he tried to form them. He was just so relieved and full of questions which have been waiting to be asked.

Now that Cas was here, he could finally have some answers to them.

"Dean…?" he heard Cas ask unsurely, "Is everything-"

"Yes, everything's fine", Dean smiled and separated himself from Cas but still kept his hands tightly on the man's shoulders, "Everything's fine." Cas tilted his head confused and Dean grinned. He felt light now that Cas was finally back, but he still had that one question on top of his mind.

"Cas, what happened?" he asked gravely, "Where have you been all this time?"

Castiel frowned, "What do you mean all this time?"

"What do you mean by what do you mean? Cas, you've been gone at least a year! And please don't give me that there's no time in Heaven bullshit, because that's exactly how long you've been gone!"

Castiel's eyes widened when he seemed to understand, "Balthazar."

"What?"

"The angel. He did sent us back, but at different… at different time", Cas turned to look Dean like everything started finally make sense, "For you it seems that I've been gone a year but for me it's just have been few moments."

"Can… Can angels do that?" Dean asked.

"That above many other things", Cas replied before his face slid from serious to apologetic, "I'm gravely sorry, Dean. I didn't wish to make you worry."

"Don't apologize, Cas. You're here now and that's what matters", Dean said and patted Cas' shoulder, "Besides it's not your fault, it's that…" he fell silent for a second, "Wait, Balthazar? Did you know that guy?"

Castiel shifted his hands awkwardly and avoided Dean's gaze.

"Cas!"

"Balthazar and I…" he started and kept sure not sure not to look at Dean when he answered, "Used to be brothers."

Dean looked like someone had hit him.

"Brothers?"

"Yes."

"With an angel?"

"Yes."

"Are you an angel?"

"Not anymore I'm afraid."

"Why not?"

"Because I fell."

"Why did you fell?"

"Because of you."

Okay, that was surely more than Dean had ever learned of Castiel in matter of seconds and it was also a lot more he could handle.

His soul mate was an ex-angel. An ex-angel, who had fell because of him.

Dean wasn't sure how to react to a revelation like that.

* * *

In the end they'd gotten inside and the first thing Cas did was make some coffee.

Dean looked like Christmas had gotten early when he was given a warm steaming cup, which honestly smelled like nirvana. They'd sat and Dean had took a long sip of his coffee. He'd closed his eyes in bliss and whispered something like 'this really is Heaven' before he took another sip. The sight made Castiel happy and as Dean enjoyed his coffee Castiel enjoyed what he saw.

"So an angel", Dean finally said as he put the half empty cup to the table. Castiel nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Castiel looked unsure. He didn't actually want to talk about what he had been, but…

"I didn't see it as a necessary action. When I died I was a much of human as you." _And you never showed any interest in me to ask anyway, _Cas thought and Dean pouted his lips.

"Well, at least that explains how you knew all that stuff about angels…" Dean said and glanced the wards which were still on the walls. He hadn't wanted to wash them away as they reminded him of things Cas had done for him.

"Tell me everything, Cas", Dean asked and turned to face him. Castiel took a deep breath and started to talk.

* * *

"The moment you were born, I knew you were my soul mate. At first I doubted it and was unsure what to do as soul mates were usually the privilege reserved only for humans. Angels are God's warriors and all we have are our brothers, sisters and our Father. We weren't meant to mate and live for other person than God.

"It was unheard of that an angel was given a soul mate and many of my brothers and sisters told me to do nothing. They thought that a human didn't deserve to have an angel by his side and it would be for the best if I never were to see you. Then there were some who were jealous.

"I was curious to find out what kind of human would be given with an angel, and one day I flew on Earth. You were only few days old when I first saw you. So young and still your soul was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I knew you'd grow up to be a good, righteous man.

"At first I thought it'd be the best if I just stayed unseen and aided you when you needed help. That could only work as long as you were alive and even then I had duties. And when you would die, you'd come to Heaven and spend an eternity there alone.

"I didn't think you'd deserve it. I don't think anyone deserves to be without their soul mate forever. I talked to Balthazar about the matter. We had always been close and I thought he'd be able to help me. He doesn't appreciate humans and he also thought I should've stayed away from you. According to him I already liked you too much and it clouded my judgment.

"I sought answers from God; I wanted him to tell me what to do. I never received anything and in the end I decided to do what I thought was the right thing.

"I couldn't allow you to spend an eternity alone so I choose to fell. I was born again as a human two years after you. I had no memories of my time as an angel, only a thought: "I must find Dean Winchester."

"I spent my whole human life looking for you and when I had finally found where you lived and was tooking a flight to meet you, I faced the most unfortunate event.

"The plane, I was in, crashed. Only few survived and I wasn't one of them. The next thing I knew was in Heaven and that I was dead before I never got to meet you."

* * *

Dean listened carefully when Castiel told his story. He didn't want to miss a single thing and he wanted to memorize it all. He noted how fond Castiel sounded every time he mentioned Dean and the man started to finally realize how long Castiel had actually been waiting for him. After waiting a century Cas had finally met Dean in person and Dean had acted like a dick.

_"To me you're some creepy stalker, who's been watching me for God knows how long!_

Yep, real smooth. Dean had apologized back then, but now he started to get how many apologies he actually owed to the guy. Especially when he now knew what it was like to be in Heaven without your soul mate. Dean didn't want to experience that ever again.

When Castiel mentioned his death, Dean couldn't help feeling sorry for him. He had been so close to meet the person for whom he had fallen and left everything behind and then he had got himself killed. Dean already knew God and angels were big bags of dicks but that was the most dick move. Another reason more to curse them.

"I was happy when I felt you die back then", Castiel continued quietly, "I know it sounds awful, but I had waited so long to finally meet you." Dean couldn't blame him. He had felt joy too, when Sam had died and he guessed maybe that's just how things were in Heaven. Death meant reuniting with your loved ones. Dean almost hoped Sam's wife had died so Sam wouldn't have to be alone in their Heaven anymore.

"Even though you didn't agree at first, it still made everything I had done for you, worth it. I don't regret anything I have done, Dean."

Cas could have stabbed Dean with a knife and he would have noticed no difference. After all that happened he still wanted to be there with him. _Bullshit, I have done nothing to deserve a guy like you, _Dean thought and felt crappy for simply being himself.

"You should be…" he said quietly and suddenly Cas looked offended.

"Be what, Dean? You may not think best of yourself, but I've _seen_ you. I've seen your soul and I know you."

"Then you should know better than that! I've treated you like shit the moment I arrived here!" and Dean would spend his forever in Heaven regretting that, "You don't deserve any of this! You abandoned everything for me and that's more than anyone has ever done to me and all I gave you in return were harsh words and-"

"Could you please finally stow your crap?" Castiel finally snapped and Dean had never seen him so angry. Or angry at all. "Yes, I did everything for you", he started slowly, "I fell and left my family; I even _died_ when I was looking for you. I waited for years that I could finally be with you and this is what you give to me? You say that I don't deserve you", Castiel hissed under his breath and stared Dean like the man had betrayed him; "I could almost hit you for that, Dean."

If Castiel hadn't angrily stood up and went upstairs, Dean would've most likely had a fist in his face.

Dean rubbed his face and sighed when he heard a door close. What God had been thinking, when he decided it would be a good idea to make Castiel and Dean soul mates? That _Destiel_ would honestly work really well, without any problems and bad feelings? Dean left out a sad laugh.

Once again he had ruined everything even when he had a change to fix things.

/It feels that I only made the things worse...

Reviews would be much appreciated :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Castiel was furious.

Usually he was only slightly annoyed or frustrated at most, but angry? That was unheard of. Cas might had even closed his door little too forcefully after he had taken his leave from the kitchen.

This was why he hadn't told Dean about his origins. He would've been much happier himself, if he hadn't started to remember his past himself. When he had arrived to Heaven, he had started to get glimpses of his life, flashback-ish dreams when he still slept. Slowly he started to remember that he was Castiel, the ex-angel of the Lord and not Casper Novak, a tax-accountant from Pontiac, Illinois. He remembered his brothers and sisters, thousands of years of existence, Father and how he gave that all up by falling for one single human. He had doubted himself at first. He had been so bright and magnificent back in the days and yet he had chosen to become something like this for some human he had never even met.

Cas' first word had been 'Dean'. His human parent's always wondered why, because they didn't know any Deans. When Castiel had grown older, his parents figured Dean was an imaginary friend. What they didn't get was, why Cas kept looking for him. One day they had found him walking around the yard, looking under little rocks and bushes. They'd asked him, what he was doing and Cas had answered: "I need to find Dean." When Cas talked about him, Dean was always somewhere else and never with him.

In his teens Cas had started to look up for the name Dean Winchester. He didn't know why the name seemed so important but he had the feeling he needed to find the man.

It wasn't until Cas had long finished the college, when he found him. It appeared that Dean's family moved a lot thanks to his father's work, so they hadn't had a permanent home address since Dean had been, what, four-years-old? Anyhow, Cas booked the first flight to Lawrence just to get killed in the sudden flight accident.

To be honest, when Castiel had chosen to fall, he wasn't sure if he would ever go back to Heaven when he'd die. Fallen angels are usually damned for perdition, but Castiel had a… Hunch. Yes, he had hunch. God had given him a soul mate even though angels couldn't have one. Angels had a grace instead of a soul, which made the whole soul mate thing practically impossible.

Still one lovely morning Castiel had noticed himself with an ability to not live without that one specific human being and impossible had happened.

* * *

Castiel went straight to his bed. He hadn't slept for years but the bed was still nice to have when even standing up seemed too exhausting task, just like now.

He had known Dean almost for a century, maybe he should've seen this coming. Dean's self-esteem was something not to be envied and it was unpredictable. He always thought so little of himself and this time it had really angered Cas. How dared he to decide, if Castiel deserved him or not. Did he not notice the Heaven they've been sharing? Hadn't Castiel got any word in this matter? If not then he might just go back downstairs and punch Dean in the face and in other places too.

Cas wasn't sure what had happened when had been gone, but it sure had changed Dean drastically. For the first time in Heaven, he actually gave several fucks about Cas. The thought that Dean had actually been worried about him was somewhat warm and he wanted more of that. He still didn't want to make him worry anymore. He wondered why Balthazar had sent him back a year later than Dean. Did he just want to cause mischief or teach Dean a lesson? Or both? If so, then why? Well, Cas could understand why, Dean had been very disrespectful towards the angel.

"Just so you know I did it for you."

At sudden voice Castiel jumped vertical and looked around his room. Balthazar was standing in the middle of it and was looking outside, where the sun had been setting down.

"Brothe-" Castiel started but Balthazar raised his hand and interrupted him. "Please, Cassie, we're not brothers anymore. That's not accurate."

"Balthazar", Cas said carefully and the angel seemed to accept that, "Why are you here?"

"Well, I heard you mention my name and came flying", Balthazar shrugged, "Besides I hoped you could tell that boyfriend of yours to stop cursing Father and me in his prayers. They're rather annoying and he uses such unaesthetic language. Bleeding bastard."

"Why did you send me back later than Dean, Balthazar?"

"To make him realize, of course!" he answered like it was the most obvious things he had ever faced.

"To realize what?"

"Oh, come on, Cas, don't tell me you're that blind", Balthazar sighed, "The boy needed to learn his place. Needless to say he still doesn't know it… Would it help if you spent another year away, Cassie?"

"Let me rephrase the question", Castiel said and tried to ignore the rising annoyance, "What did you think you were going to achieve with that?"

The angel huffed annoyed that he had to spell it out for him, "Let's put it straight, Castiel; you were my favorite brother, you really were. That's why I'm doing you a favor even though you're fallen. That mud-monkey was right in one thing: you deserved better than what he had to offer. All I tried to do was to make him realize the purpose of being a soul mate."

Dean really had realized something, all right. Castiel felt like rolling eyes or making ten other frustrated gestures.

"I appreciate your… efforts, Balthazar, but could I ask you to do one more thing for me?"

"And that is?"

"Don't try to help me anymore."

* * *

Balthazar had muttered something like 'ungrateful', before he had disappeared. Castiel smiled. He was grateful for Balthazar, he truly was. At least he didn't condemn Castiel and still treated him if not as a brother then as a friend. It was good to know that some things didn't change.

Cas ran his fingers through his hair. He knew they needed to talk things through with Dean, but he wasn't sure if he was ready for it. Dean didn't listen to reason when it came to certain things, but they couldn't live like this forever. Castiel didn't want to continue living like they had used to. Talking only when necessary, mainly spending time separately and occasionally watching TV together.

No. Anything else but that.

Castiel looked out of the window. Earlier he hadn't realized that there was much less snow than before. He just had been worried of what Balthazar could have done to Dean so he had rushed to the front door the moment he had been zapped back. Dean had looked so relieved and so happy to see Cas when he had opened the door. So far Castiel had thought those looks were only reserved for his family and Castiel was quite sure that Dean didn't count him in the family just yet. He had even hugged him and Cas could still feel what it had felt like. When you take it like that, the last time Cas was in such a close physical contact with someone was when… Damn, he didn't even remember. Too much time had passed since he was alive. Still, it had been good and Cas would be glad to have more of that. Cas put his palm on his shoulder and he felt the ghost of Dean's hands around him.

He hadn't even realized how much he truly missed affectionate touch and being close to another person that now that he had a taste of it, he yearned more. So much more.

* * *

For at least hundredth time that evening, Dean felt like kicking his own ass.

After Castiel had left upstairs, he had been replaying the conversation inside his head, pointing out all the parts where he had failed or where he should've said other things even if he didn't mean them.

He just couldn't understand it. His holy roommate had appeared to be holier than he had even imagined and all he asked was _why_. Why him? There must be other humans more worthy to have an angel as a soul mate. Like one of those hungry kids in Africa, they always deserved something better so why not a guardian angel.

Dean rubbed his face, all this thinking made his head hurt and he still didn't understand.

The thing was, he had angered Cas and he should apologize. How that would fix anything, he did not know, but he should do it. Dean glanced the stairway and wondered if he should wait for Cas to cool down or…

No, he had to do it now.

Dean stood up and went to Castiel's door. He had no idea what he was going to say, but he needed to make up something.

Dean knocked the door twice.

"Cas? You in there?"

* * *

Castiel didn't want to open the door. He wasn't ready to hear whatever Dean was going to say so he stayed silent on his bed. He knew that Dean could sense him being there, especially after a year not being able to sense anyone in their Heaven. Cas remembered the first weeks with Dean. He could sense where Dean was even with his eyes closed or when he was in a completely different room. He could name his exact location and it was comforting and disturbing at the same time to always know where Dean was.

"I guess you're still mad, huh?" Dean said quietly behind the door. Castiel nodded but didn't say a word.

"It's fine if you're mad, you've got every right to be, but..." Dean paused, "Could you still hear me out, please? I feel like if I don't say these things now, I'm going to regret that forever too.

"I just…" Dean took a long breath, "I'm sorry, Cas. I have never been sorrier than now and I'll be damned if I don't know it. I did say some stupid shit and I wish I could take it all back, I really do. Cas, I… I don't know what I should do. All I know is that the last year was the worst of my entire life, dead or alive.

"I don't even want to start telling how bad it was, heck, I don't even want to think about it. Even less I want to experience it again…" Dean went silent again before he continued, "You know, I think I understand a little what you had to bear after you died… Only that you had it worse.

"While you were gone, I realized few things. I should've gotten to know you better and not just ignore you completely, but I was just… Hell, I was an ass. I even talked you into that stupid mission to go and see Sam and… I guess that's the reason why we are here in the first place", Dean laughed weakly and Castiel just wished he'd shut up. He didn't want to hear any of those things. He didn't want to Dean apologize his ass off, he wanted him to stop.

But Dean continued.

"The truth is… I missed you, Cas. And I decided that I'd fix things when you'd return, but… In the end I just made the things worse, huh?"

Dean, stop.

"I just hope you can forgive me."

No.

Cas couldn't take it anymore. With one smooth movement he had stood up and went to pull the door open. Cas could swear Dean's eyes were watery when he saw his startled face.

"Cas, I-", Dean started but Cas gripped his shirt's front and pushed him against the opposite wall. He was smaller than Dean but that certainly didn't mean he was weaker.

"I wish you'd just shut up", Cas growled dangerously through his teeth, "I don't want your apologies, Dean. I don't want you to think you're not as good as me. I don't want you to think that I don't deserve you or you don't deserve me", Castiel pondered his words before he said, "What I did or was before I was born as a human doesn't matter anymore."

"Then what do you want me to do, Cas?" Dean countered, but it lacked sharpness, "Because I honestly don't know anymore."

Cas looked Dean and for a while they just stared each other without saying a word. Eventually Cas loosened his grip and he took a step back.

"I don't know either", he said and sounded sorry for practically manhandling Dean around the hall, "I just wish you could see me as your equal. As your friend", he continued. "We _are_ soul mates, are we not?"

Dean looked dumbfounded and he was unable to form words. He just opened and closed his mouth without actually saying anything.

He decided to do that one thing his mouth was good for at the moment and pulled Castiel closer who got almost a second to look confused before Dean crashed their lips together.

The sensation was almost too much for Cas to comprehend. He spent precious seconds only trying to understand what his senses were trying to tell him. He felt Dean's right hand finding its way behind his neck through his hair, tilting Cas' head for right angle making his mouth more available. He felt Dean's full, warm lips against his, possessive and apologetic. His sight was full of Dean and he could count every freckle and every eyelash if he felt like it. He smelled Dean's scent everywhere and he'd be damned if he didn't get drunk from that.

Before Cas could pull himself together Dean was already pulling away. Dean's face was flushed as Cas stared him with a big 'why' written all over his face.

"Why…?" he asked like it was the only word he knew at the moment. Dean looked like he wanted to disappear when he tried not to avoid Cas' eyes.

"…I'm sorry, I don't know what got into-", he started apologetically, but Castiel interrupted him.

"That's not what I asked", he pointed out, "What I'm asking is, why you stopped?"

Dean's eyes shot from floor to Cas. The man didn't have an answer to offer, but at the time they'd moved only inches away from each other that didn't really matter.

Soon they were kissing like their lives depended on it and in the end that wasn't too far from the truth.

/Definitely the most difficult chapter to write so far. The ending surprised even me but apparently Dean couldn't stand being friend zoned by Cas.

Reviews would be much appreciated :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Dean hadn't expected any of that when he had gone upstairs and knocked on Cas' door.

He hadn't expected Cas to open the door and he certainly hadn't expected to be manhandled against the wall. He hadn't expected Cas to say all those things he did and he didn't really expect that he would be pulling Castiel to a kiss which had eventually led to Dean's bedroom on his bed.

Somewhere along the way Cas had taken off Dean's shirt and was working his way in his pants while roughly kissing Dean's neck and even leaving some bite marks, but it was fine. It's not like there would be anyone else to see them. Cas paid little attention to spots, which made Dean make the best noises. He'd have enough time to explore them later. They literally had an eternity to do that.

Dean trembled under Cas' touches and he tried to do his best to regain enough control and not to be completely submissive, but then Cas accidentally found that one spot behind his ear… Dean had gasped loudly and his fingers had pressed tightly against Cas' back as his eyes had flown wide open. He had felt Castiel's grin against his neck when the man had started to kiss his way lower Dean's torso.

When his mouth had reached the strategical heights and given a wet kiss through Dean's underwear, the man had almost jumped.

He hadn't expected this or any of the following things.

At the moment it didn't seem to matter so much.

* * *

When Dean woke up, he felt strange warmth against his back. As strange as it felt it still wasn't uncomfortable, quite the opposite. Dean felt the warmth snuggle closer and it felt good. Like he was whole. Dean didn't even remember when he had last felt so… complete. Even when he was alive, something had always been missing, leaving that empty place right to the core of his soul.

Now there was nothing. Not even a trace of that emptiness. Cas had been away almost a year and so had been a big part of Dean. Now that he was back, maybe…

Whoa, whoa, _whoa._

Dean's eyes shot open when the last night's memories started to kick in.

He was in his room, in his bed, naked, and there was a very familiar presence spooning him from behind. For good 20 seconds his brains did actually nothing as they tried to process all that information.

He had slept. With Cas.

Some part of him wanted to run. So freaking fast and like… right now!

Some part of him wanted to stay right there, close to that warmth.

So apparently he and Cas had made up. He didn't have any other explanation how, but yea, it really seemed like it.

Dean remembered how he had kissed Cas, but he couldn't bring himself to remember _why_ he had done it. Guys don't usually do make up kisses for other guys, especially, if they don't really even know them. Yes, Cas had practically spilled all the beans earlier that day, Dean still couldn't understand his soul mate was an ex-angel, but…

Could they even be called as friends?

Cas moved in his sleep and muttered something against Dean's back and Dean was damn sure that _hell no_.

They'd had completely jumped over the platonic part and as much as Dean felt he needed Cas, that was just too fast. At least Cas wasn't a complete stranger to him anymore, but actually sleeping with him?

Dean thought that maybe he should be freaking about sleeping with a man, but it's not like there was any women around. And it hadn't been _that bad_. Dean wasn't sure if he should allow himself to think that he had kinda liked it. A lot.

He ran his palm down his face.

It was way too early for this shit.

* * *

Cas felt something warm against him, when he slowly started to come to. It felt good and comforting so he started to snuggle closer to it. The scent around it was intoxicating and he swore he would never have enough of it.

Last night's happenings started slowly coming back to him and he had to say that too much had happened starting from his leaving to Sam, meeting Balthazar, apparently being gone for a year, continuing with his return and an unexpected quarrel. Ending with kissing and making up.

Needless to say he was rather pleased with the outcome.

Cas wasn't even sure when they had made up. Dean had kissed him and then there were simply no problems anymore. He wasn't sure if Dean agreed, but he guessed the man wouldn't be lying there with him if there was.

Cas snuggled closer and muttered something that should've been 'Hello Dean' against the man's back, but he was still too asleep to talk.

Yep. It was good like this.

* * *

Dean moved gently Cas' arm and slowly slid out of the bed. He heard Cas mutter something incomprehensible in his sleep and Dean hoped the man wasn't waking up yet. He just wanted to get some pants on real soon and some time to gather his thoughts. When Dean found a clean pair and was pulling them on, he noticed a sticky white spot on his hips.

Okay, maybe a shower first.

Quietly Dean sneaked out of the room, feeling slightly guilty for leaving Cas alone in there. He too had experienced what it was like to wake up alone after good time. He hoped Cas would understand, when…

Oh yeah, they'd have to discuss about this too, now wouldn't they.

"Not the luckiest day of my life", Dean muttered when he turned the shower on. He didn't know how long Cas usually slept, but he assumed he had about an hour or two to think what he should say, because he wasn't ready for this. He'd rather not to have the conversation at all, but he knew it was necessary, because he wasn't sure if he was ready to embrace his inner gay or what-so-ever. Cas had said he wanted to be his friend and then Dean… Had kissed him like that was the most logical thing to do after a confession like that.

But Cas hadn't objected. No, he had wanted more and he sure as hell got a lot more than bargained.

Dean could still feel the ghosts of Cas' fingers touching him all over and shivered as he turned the water colder.

* * *

When Cas opened his eyes, Dean was nowhere to be seen. The spot where he had been was still warm so he had left only few seconds ago. Cas heard shower going on and yawned. He honestly couldn't remember when he had last slept, but he could remember one reason why he stopped doing so.

Mornings are evil. Even in Heaven.

Like trying to dance neck deep in the swamp, that's pretty much how they feel. Reason why Cas stopped trying at mornings, was because it felt so wrong and forced. Cas was that type that if he doesn't get his morning coffee the minute he wakes up, it's going to take him at least an hour or two to become completely functional.

And so he didn't move an inch for an hour before he finally heard the shower to be turned off. Few minutes later he heard a knock on the door.

"Cas, you awake?"

Cas said angry and muffled 'yes' to his pillow and wondered why Dean didn't just come in. It was his room.

"I, uhm…" he started, "I'm going to make some breakfast, so if you want anything…?" Cas could sense that Dean was supposed to say something else, but couldn't bring himself to say it. The man rubbed his eyes. This couldn't be any good.

"…I'm fine. I'll join with you later", Cas growled and rolled out of bed noticing he was in need of a shower too.

* * *

Dean was never not amazed how the kitchen worked in the Heaven. Somehow the contents they needed just appeared in there before they even knew they needed them. 'The best kind of shopping', Dean had said when he had noticed there would always be pie in the fridge. He still enjoyed cooking so much that even though it seemed to be possible to have full prepared meals in the Heaven, he just wished to have the ingredients.

Dean was just frying some bacon when Cas came downstairs. He glanced the man once before he turned his gaze quickly away. Following mornings weren't usually this awkward. At least Cas had showered and put some clothes on.

"Mornin' Cas", Dean said and was almost amused how Cas still seemed to be half asleep, "Not a morning type, I see."

"…No", Cas grunted and went to pour himself some coffee. Dean decided to stay quiet for a while because Cas seemed pretty much to be able to commit a murder right now. Meanwhile Cas slowly poured down his coffee, Dean finished making breakfast and soon there were full plates of eggs, bacon and toast in front of them. Cas muttered a thank you before sipping the last of his coffee. The drink seemed to be some sort of massive energy source to the guy because after one cup he seemed a less cranky than a moment before.

They ate their breakfast in silence and surprisingly it was Castiel who broke it in the end.

"I take it that there's something bothering you", he said and looked Dean a concern in his eyes. Dean froze so proving Castiel's point. "It has something to do with the last night, hasn't it?"

Dean didn't say anything, but that was enough for an answer to Cas.

"Do you… regret it…?" Cas tried, afraid to hear the answer. The thought had come to him, when he had woken up alone and he had felt Dean slightly avoiding him. That would be just like Dean. Avoiding things you cannot deal with.

"What? No!" Dean countered for Cas' great delight, "I don't… regret it! Not when I…" Dean fell silent and his face went slightly red, "Look, I don't regret things we did last night. I just… Isn't this too… fast?"

"What do you mean?" Castiel asked, because he honestly wasn't sure if he understood.

"What do I mean- I don't know! I don't even know what we are! And don't give me soul mates because I know damn well what that means by now."

Castiel frowned, "You mean are we friends or lovers? Does that matter to you?"

"Well, yes", Dean replied like it should be completely obvious, "And if you ask me, we haven't really had time to be friends."

That was true. It wasn't until yesterday when Dean really started to show some interest to Castiel and that was after he was forced to spend a year alone separated from him.

For Castiel it was so simple. They were soul mates and so they can't live without each other. It doesn't matter if it's friendship or romance what's between them as long as they get to be together. Dean liked to make everything so complicated. Why for once things couldn't just be?

But he wouldn't force Dean. If Dean was uncomfortable with the thought that they were lovers, then he wouldn't force it on to him.

"I understand…" Castiel said and looked the cup in his hands. If Dean needed time, he was giving it to him. He was used to waiting already.

"So… Are we friends now?" Cas asked and raised his eyes to Dean.

"Yeah, I guess we are", Dean smiled and it was the most beautiful thing Castiel had seen the whole morning.

/If the last chapter was difficult to write, this was a pure hell. I still think it's confusing. Just be glad that I got some good critique from my irl friend. Otherwise this would've been the last chapter. Now there's hopely going to be more than 2 chapters coming.

Reviews would be much appreciated :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Everything had gone so much better than expected.

Well, maybe not for Castiel who seemed to be a little disappointed. Dean wondered, if it was because after all that happened, he had wanted them to be _only_ friends and being friends included certain boundaries, starting with that they'd be still sleeping in different rooms. Cas had said he was considering trying regular sleeping again and Dean had joked about getting a sword and a shield if he ever wanted to wake up Castiel for breakfast.

"No, let's make it bazooka," he had said after a little thinking.

Cas didn't understand why would Dean want a firearm to wake him up and doubted if it was even possible to get one in Heaven.

One thing Castiel was really pleased with was that Dean kept making sure that he still existed. It wasn't like Dean would yell from the other side of the house or the yard 'Cas, you still existing', but it could've been. It was little touches, a hand on a shoulder, sitting maybe little too closely while watching TV, things Castiel used to do before, but didn't do anymore because he wasn't sure if he was allowed to.

Dean had said friends and what Castiel knew about friends, they usually didn't touch each other just because they felt like it. Often Castiel had been reminded about personal space, but he always forgot it and eventually Dean had stopped caring. _Cas being Cas, _that's all there was.

Cas didn't even see the issue, so he let Dean touch him even if it was just to check that he wouldn't disappear any given second.

Once Cas had tried to put his hand on Dean's shoulder, but the man had flinched away without even realizing he was doing so.

Cas didn't know why Dean would do that but he gave him time and space even though those were the last things he wanted to give to him. He wanted to give him joy, pleasure, comfort, warmth, anything that'd make him feel better and more comfortable around Castiel.

If Dean would just be open to receive.

* * *

Castiel was reading a book in the living room when he heard a sound outside. He recognized it and knew Dean was preparing to spend time with the love of his life. Cas peeked out of the window and saw how Dean drove the Impala out of the garage. The man had mentioned something about the car being in need of maintenance after the long winter and it was most likely that Dean wouldn't come inside until it was too dark to work.

He didn't even consider offering his help to Dean. He knew Dean would just shoo him away, because the Impala was his baby. None was to touch her except him.

Castiel was rather amazed Dean's affection with the car. It made him a little jealous, even if he didn't want to admit it. Dean was more comfortable around his car than with him even though they did spend more time together than they used to, talked more and played cards. Dean even taught Cas how to cheat, and now their games are more of a contest to see which one can cheat the most without the other noticing. Castiel's game face was something Dean could not read, not in thousand years and if Cas wasn't so honest he would win every time.

"That's the whole point, Cas! It doesn't matter if it feels wrong, you just gotta do it," Dean had said when Castiel had insisted to play fair.

"But I don't' want to cheat you, Dean," the man had answered and Dean had laughed.

"Dude, you must the most honest guy I've ever met." Castiel liked when he could make Dean smile or laugh, even though he wasn't sure, how did he actually do it. He had asked about the matter from Dean and the man had grinned and said that he needn't to do anything.

"Just be you," Dean had patted Cas' shoulder and he hadn't been able to tell if it was affection or just to check if he was still there.

Cas looked how Dean's upper body disappeared under the car, leaving only the legs to be seen.

Soon he forgot the book he was reading.

* * *

It was rather hard to concentrate to fix your car, when you could feel someone staring at you. Believe Dean, because he, if anyone, knew.

He could sense Cas' presence at the living room, sitting on the sofa where was the perfect view to the garage. Dean had often sat there looking at it and hoping he could just drive the Impala out of it and leave. For good. That was when Castiel hadn't been around. Maybe he had hoped that, if he left he'd have a chance to find Cas, or maybe he just wished he could escape the empty feeling deep within him. Sometimes Dean couldn't tell the difference between those feelings and he ended up lying hours on the sofa, feeling miserable about everything and wishing a chance to run away.

He did not wish any of that anymore. Now that their Heaven was 'whole', Dean finally had started to understand the meaning of Heaven. He couldn't even put it in proper words, he just felt… good. Well, of course there were some things which made him annoyed, mostly practically being a prisoner, but other than that, most of the whining was done only because it was fun. With that Dean discovered that Castiel didn't like Valentine's either, except for different reasons. Dean only enjoyed Valentine's because it was a good chance to get easy sex, but hated it because that's when people usually asked if he had a girlfriend/wife/whatsoever. Sometimes Sam would answer for him: "He has the Impala," and that was good enough for Dean.

Cas had told, that he didn't enjoy Valentine's because his friends had always tried to hook him up for someone before the big day. Those usually hadn't end well and there would be a red hand print on Cas' cheek at the following morning. He just didn't show enough interest in the ladies and that usually offended them. Cas never understood why.

Dean remembered, how he had asked if Castiel had ever dated anyone. The man had told about a girl named Meg. They had dated about a year at college and according to Cas, he had been emotionally very unstable back then and Meg had helped and looked after him. Dean could hear from his voice that he still thought fondly of her, and he couldn't help but feeling a little jealous. He tried to figure out why, Cas and Meg had been together only a year, and that had happened over fifty years ago. Why feel jealousy over something like that?

If Dean had ever had a problem at figuring out his thoughts and feelings, it was now. He was conflicted between their agreement to take it slow and his need to show Castiel how much he really wanted to rip the guy's clothes off and kiss him to next week.

He often thought about the time when they had first slept together. It was still something he liked to remember when he was alone in his room, and was sure Cas couldn't hear him.

Sometimes he regretted that he had asked Castiel that they'd take it slow, but he was afraid of his amazing skills to ruin everything when given enough time.

He didn't want to ruin this. Not with his goddamn _soul mate._

* * *

Dean came back inside only after it was way too dark to work. Castiel was more than happy to comment Dean's dirty and oil stained appearance, and Dean was more than happy to mess Cas' hair with his oily hand.

Cas warned that now he might have to join Dean to the shower, and for a moment, he could swore Dean was considering giving his consent to that.

In the end, he said nothing, only grinned and went to upstairs.

Maybe it was still too early to hope that Dean could take his head out of his ass.

* * *

"You know what we should do," Dean said when Cas was coming back downstairs hair all wet from the shower. Cas could name at least hundred different things they could do, but he decided not to mention any of them. Instead he let out a questioning sound and Dean showed him a DVD box and a bottle of whiskey.

"Dr Sexy M.D drinking game," he announced and Cas tilted his head.

"Hey, it's about time to educate you with popular culture! Over 40 years in Heaven, you've missed a butt load of good TV-shows and movies, and we gotta fix that."

Dean was right with that, Cas hadn't bothered to watch TV much in Heaven, but he didn't knew it was a problem.

"Why alcohol?" Cas asked and pointed the bottle.

"Just to make things interesting."

It really did make things more interesting. Dean explained the rules and they were very simple. Every time something specific happened you had to drink a shot. For example every time people referred each other's as 'doctors' or when people had sex or when there was unnecessary drama or when Dr Sexy looked sexy (Dean took a shot every time they showed Dr Sexy).

Dean soon noticed that Cas really could hold his liqueur.

After three episodes Dean couldn't tell one finger from two, meanwhile Cas said 'he started to feel something.'

"Dude, that's inhuman", Dean said and Castiel shrugged.

"Well, I used to be an angel," he replied and that was enough of an explanation to Dean.

They continued watching, even after they had decided that Castiel had indeed won the drinking game. Dean enjoyed talking about the series and explaining things to Cas, and he enjoyed listening because it made Dean 100 per cent more beautiful, when he talked about something so passionately.

Dean didn't notice when Cas started to lean against him or when he put his arm had behind Cas' neck. He also failed notice when Cas started to fall asleep against his chest, and so he completely ignored the fact that this was not how two guys should sit on a sofa.

Maybe it was because Dean was too drunk to care that there went their friendship boundaries and just slowly fell asleep as Dr Sexy M.D's last episodes played.

It was good like that.

/Sorry that it took so long with this chapter. I've been busy with the pre-assigments for school and with many other things. I haven't proof read this, so there must be a tons of mistakes, typos, etc. I'll try to fix them as soon as possible.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

When Dean woke up few hours later, his eyesight was full of Castiel's hair. His arm was still behind Cas' neck and Castiel himself was slightly snoring against his chest. Dean could feel Cas' warm breath even through his shirt. Actually only things his senses registered were Castiel. Sight, sound, scent, touch (well, maybe not taste). Those were everywhere around him and slowly Dean started to count seconds to his unavoidable freak-out.

Any second now.

Three.

Two.

No, apparently not yet.

Three.

Two- nope, still nothing.

Three.

Two.

Ooone- no.

Few minutes later Dean was still calm and content, and it made him really uneasy. He wasn't sure if he should be surprised by this or not. It felt so natural to be close Cas like this and Dean had to ask himself, why in the fuck they didn't do this more often. Then he realized it was his own fault. He felt like sarcastically patting his own back. They could've had so wonderful time, but no. Glorious job once again, Dean Winchester. He almost hoped it would be possible to get hangover in Heaven, because he sure as hell deserved a one right now.

Dean would make it all up to Cas. He knew he wanted this as much as Cas, he just was too dick to accept it, even less say it out loud.

Castiel woke up about an hour later. It took him a few moments to realize where he was and when it hit him, he jolted away from Dean. He hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep on Dean and he guessed the man would be furious. He was the one who had wanted to take it slow, start as friends first, and he hadn't said if he was okay with cuddling. They had been drunk last night, and Dean probably hadn't even realized what had happened.

Yes, they had been drunk, that was a good excu- wait, why Dean looked so confused?

Cas had expected awkwardness, maybe even anger, but not confusion and… Was that hurt?

"Cas, is something wrong?" Dean asked concern in his eyes, and Cas opened and closed his mouth unable to find words. Wrong? Well…

"No, why?" he finally said unsure and sat back on the sofa, but kept his distance.

"'Why?'" Dean huffed sarcastically, "You looked like you had seen a ghost. Did you see a bad dream?" Dean asked, before he could remember that nightmares were practically impossible, if both of the souls were safely in their Heaven.

Cas looked his hands, he wasn't sure if he should talk about it, but when he looked back at Dean, he figured he wouldn't get out of this situation if he didn't. Of course he could lie. Say it was a bad dream, but Cas wasn't just cut out to lying.

"You have said so yourself," he finally replied.

"Said what?"

"You said that we're friends. If my memory serves me right, you've also said that friends don't cuddle."

The look on Dean's face shifted from confused to unbelieving.

"So you thought I'd get mad at you for falling asleep on me?" The man huffed. "Cas, what kind of dick you think I am?"

Castiel blinked and before he could even start to form an answer of some sort, Dean laughed.

"Man, we really suck at this," he said and rubbed his neck.

"…Suck at what?" Castiel asked, he honestly didn't know, what was going inside Dean's mind anymore. Not that he ever knew, but now he was completely at loss.

"Suck at this," Dean answered and gestured the air between them. "We suck at this so bad, we actually need to talk about it." _If we keep going like this, I'm going to grow lady parts_, Dean thought and smirked. Castiel tilted his again, but looked like he understood what Dean was referring to.

"If I remember right, it was you, who wanted to talk about this in the first place," he said remembering the morning after they had first slept together.

"I know, and it actually didn't make things a lot better," Dean replied and Cas nodded slightly. Things indeed had gotten better, but… It's not like it was the best they could ever have.

"But it didn't make things worse," Cas tried, which made Dean smirk.

"More difficult, if not anything else," he grinned and rubbed his neck absently. Dean almost missed time, when he was alive. He didn't need to worry about friends, lovers or anything. He had only his family and a one nightstand every once in a while. All was good and simple.

Still he wouldn't change Cas for anything. Wouldn't change this as awkward as it might be.

He would give anything to not to lose Castiel.

"What do you suggest then?" Castiel asked. "I'm fine with everything you might want."

Dean smirked and raised his eyebrows in wordless 'I bet you are.' Problem is, Dean wasn't one hundred per cent sure what he actually wanted. He didn't want to say 'let's just go with the flow', because that's exactly what Cas had said back then, and Dean would be a hypocrite saying it now. Truth is, he did want more with Cas, and maybe now he was finally ready for it too, when he was able to accept it. He just felt completely incapable to put it in words they both could easily understand.

Dean breathed out; this was going to be hard.

"What if… We stopped caring about friendship boundaries?" he tried and wondered if he ended up sounding hypocrite after all.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, let's do what's ok for both of us. I didn't mind you falling asleep on me, so it's ok."

Castiel frowned. How could he tell, what Dean was comfortable with? There was almost nothing Cas would deny from Dean, so at least this idea would be easy for one of them.

His confusion must had been obvious, because Dean soon said, "So as long as either of us doesn't say no to something… I guess we're good?" Cas visibly swallowed. Dean didn't know what he was suggesting. He seriously couldn't _allow_ Castiel to test how far he could go before Dean would say no.

"Yes, we're good," Castiel replied and Dean smiled gently.

* * *

That was when things started to escalate.

Cas constantly tried to see, how far Dean would allow him to go without saying a word. Brief touches, similar to what Dean used to do before, brushing shoulders, leaning against each other on a couch, resting hand on Dean's tight, drawing smooth circles with his finger, hugging the man behind in mornings when too tired or grumpy to do anything else.

Dean let it all slip.

He didn't comment anything, just touched back, put his palm on Castiel's, rested his head against the man's head when Cas hugged him from behind.

Castiel tried harder.

He did those mentioned things more often, and sometimes he kissed gently Dean's cheek or… groped his ass or any other place. Still, Dean didn't disapprove, but once he told Cas to 'save it to the bedroom.' The moment he saw the hopeful gleam in the man's eyes, he took his words back and mumbled something like 'on a second thought, no need to save' before he blushed.

It took few more weeks before they finally took it to the bedroom.

Unlike the first time which was mainly angry, making up sex, they now took their time. They spent hours to just explore each other's sensitive points, to figure out what felt the best. By morning they were both so spent and sore, that they didn't get out of the bed for other two hours, and ended up having some lazy morning sex instead.

After that Cas practically moved in to Dean's room. They slept together anyway so separate rooms were only a nuisance. If they slept, because they both had taken it as their main quest to explore every pleasure point in each other body and that often made sleeping nearly impossible.

For example the other night Dean had woken up when he had felt Cas kissing his back, neck and that glorious spot behind his ear. He didn't mind to be woken up like that, not at all.

Practically it was like they were teenagers all over again.

They were in love and horny, taking every possible chance for quickies or spending hours for making love. 'Taking back lost time,' as Dean had put it. Once he had wondered what would have happened, if Castiel had survived from the flight accident.

"You would've said I was crazy", Castiel answered without looking Dean and continued cooking.

"I probably would've", Dean grinned, "If you had just popped to my door and said: 'Hello Dean Winchester, my name is Castiel and for some reason your name has been haunting me since I wore diapers and we, fyi, are soul mates.'"

"My name was Casper at the time", Castiel corrected.

"Close enough. I'd have showed you the door anyway."

"I wouldn't have left."

"I would've called the police."

"I would've tried to persuade you."

"Like how?"

"I would've found ways."

"Aw, Cas, you're such a tease."

"Dean, please, I'm making food."

"Food can wait."

"So can you."

"But can you?"

"Dean, take your hands off there."

"You could try persuading me."

"Dean Winchester, I hate you so much."

"That's not what you said last night."

"That's what I'm saying _now_", and before Dean could say anything back Cas was already kissing him.

Dean liked when Cas wanted to have the last word.

* * *

"Hey, Cas…"

"Hm?"

"I'm still not sure what happened."

"Does it matter?"

"No, not really."

"Okay."

"Do you want coffee?"

"I could never say no to your coffee."

* * *

Even if their life in Heaven had reached almost perfect levels, Dean couldn't stop himself thinking about Sam every once in a while. The last time he had sawn him was moments before Balthazar had zapped him back, so it was not the Heaven's best farewell. Dean still wanted to meet him sometimes, but he wasn't going to ask Cas' help to go to see him, that's for sure. He had had enough of spending time without Cas, thank you very much. He didn't want experience it again. Besides, Dean was certain that by now Sam wasn't alone anymore.

And if Sam was happy, Dean had no reason to complain.

* * *

"Hello Dean."

"Hey Cas."

"What are you doing?"

"Just thinking."

"About what."

"My life."

"Oh."

"I lived a good life. Well, I never got to meet you when we were alive, but it was still a good life."

"We got to meet here."

"Yea, we did."

"I lived a good life too."

"You spend your entire life to find a man, you had never seen, met or even heard of and you died along the way never meeting him."

"But in the end I found you."

"Yea, you did."

"It was worth it. Everything was worth it."

"Would really suck ass, if it wasn't."

"Does it matter?"

"No. Not really."

"It's good to be here, Dean."

"It is."

/So this was it. The last chapter of In this Life Or the Next. I cannot even describe how happy I am right now, because this is the longest story I have ever written and finished.

I want to thank you for reading this story and if you ever wrote a preview along the way, I thank you for that too, because it was enjoyable to read you thoughts about the story.

I'm going to add some changes later to the earlier chapters (mainly fixing typos), and that's pretty much it. Once again thank you for reading :)


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